Are you having sex when all you need is to be touched?
By Bruce J. Little
We all need to be touched. It’s well-documented that babies that were not touched and held after birth stopped developing and often died, even if they received all the nutrition that they needed. We may not be babies anymore, but we still need to be touched.
The problem is that society has somehow convinced many of us that men do not need to be touched or can’t be trusted to touch or be touched in a non-sexual way, and this has become even more complex for gay, bisexual or queer men to navigate. A man touching another man with affection has been labelled as ‘gay’ and now straight, and gay men alike suffer from this ignorant way of thinking because we are creating a society of men who are suffering from touch isolation.
Homophobia has created many a society that frowns upon contact between men, for fear that this contact and intimacy could spark homosexual inclinations. This has left millions of straight men also starved for affection and intimacy from their fathers, brothers and male friends. With gay men, these interactions become even more sexually-loaded.
Touching someone means so much these days. Holding another man’s hand has a much more dramatic effect now than it did say 100 years ago. In rural areas around, South Africa it is still commonplace to see two men walking hand-in-hand, but in most urban or densely populated metro places in South Africa, this gesture has come to be seen as being synonymous with homosexuality. Holding another man’s hand means you are having sex with him. How did we get here? In a world were so many fathers are already holding back on showing their sons affection, gay boys are presumably receiving even less affirming touch from their dads.
As a gay guy, I am highly conscious of which men I touch and how I touch them, as well as super aware of the types of touch that I receive from other men. I’m very lucky. As a gay man with a fantastic relationship with my father and brother, I enjoy regular hugs and the odd hand on the back of my neck and shoulder. It means the world to me. I also have a group of gay men that I have platonic relationships with that I get to regularly embrace and spend time with intimately in a non-sexual way. The problem is that I am the exception and not the rule. A lot of men don’t have these opportunities to be touched in an affectionate platonic way.
There were times in my past where I also went for weeks without being touched by another person, and I could actually feel the lack of that intimacy. I knew that there was something significant missing from my life. It hurt, and I felt even more alone in the world.
With hookup apps as prevalent as they are these days, it’s easy to find someone in a 5 km radius to meet up for sex, but I wonder how many of these hookups are motivated by the regular need to get your rocks off, and how many are actually just triggered by a conscious or subconscious need to be touched.
Would we be as promiscuous as a community if we were touched more often?
The #MeToo movement has given survivors of sexual assault and harassment a voice to share their stories. The majority of those who have stepped forward are women, yet researchers estimate that at least one in six men have had unwanted sexual experiences, including abuse and assault, before age 18*.
“This figure is extremely concerning, yet still quite low. This is because men are less likely to disclose their experiences due to stigma, coupled with a lack of awareness around the support services available to them,” says Riaan Norval, Project Manager for Young Heroes - a campaign being run by Anova Health Institute and funded by the Elton John Aids Foundation to empower adolescent LGBTQ youth, specifically those who identify as gay or bisexual, as well as those questioning their sexuality.
He continues: “According to the Human Rights Campaign, ‘as a community, LGBTQ people face higher rates of poverty, stigma and marginalisation, which put us at greater risk for sexual assault. We also face higher rates of hate-motivated violence, which can take the form of sexual assault’. This has been evidenced in a recent study - titled The Facts Behind the #MeToo Movement: A National Study on Sexual Harassment and Assault- which has revealed that 42% of men who have sex with men (MSM) have experienced physically aggressive sexual harassment, compared to 25% of straight men. In addition, 19% of MSM have suffered sexual assault, compared to 6% of straight men.”
By Bruce J. Little
Not sure if it’s me getting older and more set in my ways, or just wishful thinking, but I am finding it so much easier to be single this time around. I know, I know… When someone goes on about how “happy” they are to be single, it’s usually a case of trying to convince others to try and convince yourself. But this time it really isn’t all that bad! In fact, it has its awesome moments. It only took me five minutes back on the “Grind” as a new singleton to see how many people in open relationships there are in Jozi alone. Plench! And I’ve come to realise that relationships and how we define them are rapidly mutating and changing to meet our needs. It’s exciting to think that I can define the boundaries of my next relationship to suit my needs as well as those of my partner. We won’t have to conform to anybody else’s standards. But I’m in no rush for that to happen because my current singular status has its benefits. Don’t get me wrong, I loved being someone’s boyfriend. I loved the nesting and cuddling and Netflix and chilling, but I’m also really enjoying being able to watch whatever I feel like watching now. I have a lot of freedom at the moment and can do whatever I feel like whenever I feel like doing it, and it’s quite rad. Being a considerate person, I find myself regularly considering the person I am in a relationship with. But at present I can be selfish and consider myself. I’m taking it easy and it’s great. I’m taking care of myself, working on improving and building myself up. I’m giving myself TLC and I’ve come to realise that it’s something that I do very well. I’ve always known that I have a lot of love to give, and now I’m enjoying reflecting some of that good stuff back at myself.
There are so many options open to me. I can go on dates, or I can stay at home in my PJs watching series and eating almond butter out of the jar, if that’s what I want to do. Because I like to keep having options, I always ensure that I have condoms and water-based lube somewhere on hand or in my car’s cubbyhole, just in case “summin summin” should come up. I also make sure I replace them regularly and don’t let them expire. I’m not really big on one-night-stands anymore. I can be as frigid as a Friar or represent the “hoe is life” philosophy and embrace “Hoeism” if taken by the spirit at a later stage, and what’s more? I can change these states of mind from day to day as it suits me.
If I eventually do start to lean more towards the “Hoeism” side of the spectrum I could also consider the possibility of going on PrEP. I have choices. I have a lot of power to decide these things for myself and it feels good being able to exercise these choices. No man is an island, but at this stage of my journey I am finding that being just one is a load of fun.
Bruce J. Little is a contributing writer for Anova Health Institute. These are his views, which may or may not reflect those of Anova and its affiliates.
By Bruce J. Little
Having shingles is no joke. It’s caused by the same virus that causes chickenpox, and even if you’ve already had chickenpox, it doesn’t mean you’re safe from ever getting shingles.
Once you’ve had chickenpox the virus stays in your body forever and if you are elderly, your immune system becomes weak, or you get very stressed, the virus can get reactivated, which can cause a case of shingles. Luckily, it’s easy to treat, and you can get treated for shingles at a Health4Men Clinic near you, for free.
What is shingles? At first, it appears as a rash on an area of your skin. It can appear as a patch or a band around one section of your body, but it doesn’t appear all over the body as chickenpox does. It rarely crosses the mid-line of the body i.e. the blisters occur on one side or the other but not both The rash gradually becomes a series of red blisters and these eventually dry out and then flake off. Shingles can be very painful and can also be accompanied by itching, tingling, headaches and swollen glands under the arms and around the throat. Some people also develop sores on their genitals. You should go to your nearest doctor or clinic if you have any of these symptoms.
If you have a weak immune system or you are HIV-positive and are not receiving ARV treatment, you may be more vulnerable to reactivation of the chickenpox virus,which causes shingles.
You can get shingles if your immune system is weak and you are exposed to someone who has the chickenpox or shingles virus. When someone has a shingles skin rash, especially if blisters are present, then that person is very contagious to anyone who has never had shingles or chickenpox before. The fluid in the blisters contains a large amount of chickenpox virus which is transmittable.
Most cases of shingles go away by themselves after about three weeks, but pain medication and antiviral medication can help to speed up the healing process and make it a lot less painful. Proper treatment also lowers the risk of residual pain which sometimes occurs even after the rash has healed.
Isolation and loneliness are hazardous to your health. Studies show that depression caused by feelings of alienation and isolation can be as harmful to your health as obesity, or chugging half a pack of cigarettes a day!
Health4Men is currently running a campaign encouraging men who have sex with men to go and get tested for HIV with a close friend, for support. It’s based on the premise that we are braver when we do things together. But this is not just a great strategy for how to deal with the anxiety you may have about your HIV status; it’s also a good strategy when it comes to your mental health too. Here are a few points to ponder that will help you to reach out and connect with someone if you need to, for your good mental health:
• Everybody hurts some times. Feeling lonely is very common, and almost everyone will experience it from time to time. Things happen in our childhood that makes us feel abandoned for some or other reason, and then, when we get older, something random can trigger a memory of this feeling of abandonment, and so we become overwhelmed with a feeling of isolation or aloneness. It’s important to remember at these times that loneliness is often just a feeling and not a fact. You may feel lonely, but in truth, there are probably many people who would love the opportunity to connect with you, given the opportunity.
• Connecting with other people is the best way to deal with stress, anxiety and depression. The reason that group therapy has such a great success rate is that we all respond much better to treatment or challenges when we feel that we are “all in this together”. Being part of a collective reminds us that we are in fact not alone, which is something that depression and reclusive behaviour can allow us to start to believe is true. Joining a yoga group or a hiking society can make a world of difference to your outlook on life.
• Get over yourself. Obsessing over your life and how you feel about it can actually aggravate feelings of alienation and despair. Try to focus on others for a while and see things from their perspective. You may become inspired by how bravely other people are battling their fears and personal demons. Compassion is a strange thing, when we have compassion for others, it causes others to start treating us in a similar way, and nothing can connect two souls better than cars of compassion running on a two-way street. Kindness is the same. Relationships and marriages that work for many years have been founded on good habits of treating one another with kindness.
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